Silence

the shrill sound
of
silence creeps in
so loud
monotonous
it screams;
i hear my heart,
the over caffeinated
whir
the thumps
it produces

life is full of
seconds;
moments,
indelible fragility
as your mind attacks
itself
thoughts race each other
one wins

you fill the air with
noise
of toys,
what we do,
as no one can enjoy
the sound
so loud
reverberating
whispers ask us to increase to
volume

silence overcomes us

May 18th

Here is where my mother lies ash and all beneath the ground of pummeled dirt. I squint as the sun is bearing down on my eyes thus creating this tunnel of blurred vision. The name is there etched in the white stone along with the hundreds of gravestones of former veteran and their loved ones; my lips are pursed and my cheeks are shuttering as my jaw shakes. Hundreds of thoughts are running through my head, so unorganized that I can't latch onto one. I start my usual mumbling.

"So yeah; I'm here mom." The tears start streaming and I look to the sky as if to damn God for doing this to me. Fumbling over my words I start spattering about my life and how it is; it doesn't help as my knees are growing weaker. I inch to the headstone and put my hand firmly upon it; it's smooth, cold, and shockingly bear. I glance at other headstones with dates of the dying and I grimace.

"You weren't supposed to die Mom. Not yet." I say this as a comic relief to myself, but it of course doesn't help. I step back and walk to my car; I sit and as I'm buckling myself in I look at her stone again. I waited for something to happen as if a voice would speak to me. Slamming doors interrupt my thought as I see people carrying flowers. They're older folks with hunched backs or gray hairs with tiny children in tow. This is awful.

One year is like a knife to my brain, and nothing really helps but the sobering words of a mother.

Good Things

doing good things

It has been awhile since I’ve last updated my blog and I guess I should update. You know, since a lot of stuff has been going on in my life. I have this new life called the real world and let me tell you it’s a trip. I knew my internship was going to take over my life; however, I knew it was something when I documented for an hour last night and got home at 7:30 pm. Oh the things I am ignorant of. So far I love my internship at Shepherd but I don’t know if I could ever work at Shepherd. I am guessing the feeling is coming from how I need to move on with my life and start anew somewhere? Don’t get me wrong I love how Shepherd works and all of that jazz; it’s almost like I want to go and spread what I have learned about Shepherd somewhere else. Such as the outings and specialists etc. Whatever may be the case I am ready to graduate college and be done. This internship, while the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, is the only thing in my way.

I visited my girlfriend last weekend up at Western and it yes it was great. I guess it was great to be back in my old “stomping grounds”, I’ve just had many things happen to me in college. These events have made me who I am and I can’t disagree with that. It’s just time for a new beginning wherever that may be; preferably not Georgia.

Maybe a Love Poem

impatiently

i wait for the call

thoughts intrude

they speak blasphemous

volumes

i wait for the

time

the correct hour tumbles awkwardly

onto my watch

i never knew waiting for a voice

felt so great

Stand Up

walking

a hypothesis in mind

ideas are shutdown

like galileo

crazy bastard, isn’t like we gave

his ideas a chance

ha

do these new theories

make you uncomfortable?

unseat you?

do you squirm?

just stay with the status

quo

new things take effort

alas

i forgot that our country

gave effort

someone will stand up,

begins with

one

Hangovers and the Liking

Hangovers happen because of dehydration. New Years eve started with a drive and ended with me wandering the streets of Asheville, NC. This morning I was awoken by the noise of rustling in the hotel room as my friends were getting up to go eat breakfast. I dressed and hurried to the 8am breakfast and we all recalled the previous night how it had been epic. It truly was. I walked miles while sloshed and was picked up by my friends finally, good things happen sometimes I guess. At breakfast I thought to myself about my dream as I tossed and turned. I had another nightmare about missing a final and falling off a bridge. So it goes. I hear that the standard "forgetting" or "missing" something that has to do with school is common, so I guess I'm getting older now. Yum.

I stopped at a BP station to fill up my little car with 9.1 gallons of gasoline on my way back from Asheville. Walking inside I mumbled to the attendant about a bathroom to fill up my water bottle and he pointed towards the back. I thought, "this is a nice gas station for such a remote-ish location." I headed towards the coffee drip and the other employee pointed out the water fountain.

"I think you need that instead of the sink" he stated. I glanced over at the fountain and shrugged, "Yea, I guess it all comes from the same place. I like the cold." Coming to this logical conclusion he continued to mop the floor. I poured sugar in my coffee. I stirred. I owed $1.35 and I didn't have a dime to add to my quarter so I gave the attendant two quarters instead of one. I joked with her about getting rid of my change and she didn't seem to happy.

"Have a good day" she mumbled as I pushed open the door. Pulling out of the gas station I turned left to a stop sign. I briefly stopped and looked both ways, but then I paused and noticed my state. I had a throbbing headache that water wasn't really getting rid of. My music was blasting probably because I couldn't hear from the concert the night before. Noticing these things made me realize something important and it's this: hangovers clarify things.

I pulled back onto the interstate and continued my measly 60 miles per hour. I'm sure grandma was pissed about that.